I Would Die For That
by Rainy1219
Summary: What I want most before my time is gone, is to hear the words "I love you, Mom." I would die for that. Just to have once chance to hold in my hands what so many have, I would die for that.
1. Chapter 1

I sat in the chair with my body shaking. _I can feel it. Finally my dream is coming true! My life will be complete._ She thought to herself with a smile on her face. She looked over at Cole who was sitting in the chair next to her and he looked more nervous than she was. She grabbed his hand and held it close to her. He looked at her and smiled.

"Hey it's going to be ok." she said. "I know I'm just nervous. I just don't want this time to be like all the others." he said as he stared at their hands. They sat there in silence until the doctor came through the door and Starr and Cole both turned their head as soon as they heard the door open. He looked up from the chart and a frown appeared on his face and she shook his head. "I'm sorry". Starr turned and put her head on Cole's shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her as she silently sobbed. The doctor let the office to give them some time to talk.

"I can't believe it. I was so sure Cole, I could feel it. I don't understand it! I'm so sorry". "Shh shh. You don't have to sorry. It takes time. We will have a child one day" "Cole, it's been 4 years! We've been waiting and hoping and nothing. All I want is to have a family with you. I want you to be a father."."You need to stop beating yourself up over this. I promise you, one day we will have the family we've always dreamed of". Starr looked up and Cole and smiled "How about we go home hunny?" Starr shook her head yes and they walked out of the hospital with her head resting on his shoulder and their hands intertwined.


	2. Chapter 2

**The next day they were at La Boulie for Sam's birthday party. The Cramer's, Manning's, Rivera's, and Thornhart's (Starr and Cole) were all there. The party was winding down a little and Dani said that she had an announcement to make. "Matt, get over here!" Matthew walked over to Dani and put his arm around her and he had a big smile on her face "Everyone we have a big announcement to make...We are going to have a baby! I'm pregnant!" Everyone gathered around and congratulated the couple. Now it was Starr and Coles turn. "Congrats bud! I'm really happy for you" "Thanks Cole...I'm very excited". Starr gave Matt a hug and then hugged Dani "I'm very happy for you...You're going to be a great mom." Starr pulled away from her sister and looked at her "I'm happy I really am, but I'm sorry I have to go" Starr ran out of the house with Cole following behind her.**

Back inside no one quite knew what to say. Blair broke the silence "Dani, honey I'm sure your sister is happy for you...its just hard for her" "I know, I didn't mean to upset anyone". Tea walked over and held her daughters face "We know u didn't, Starr is just going through a rough time right now".

Starr and Cole were in the car driving home and Starr sat in the passenger seat trying to hold back tears but was unsuccessful. "Babe, what's wrong?" "Nothing I'm fine!" she hissed. "If you were fine you wouldn't be crying" "Cole, I'm happy for Dani I really am, but she's my little sister! I should have been the one to be telling everyone I was going to have a baby. It's just not fair! Why can't I have the one thing I've always wanted?" As Starr spoke her voice cracked as she talked through her tears "every single day I think about the baby we lost! I sit and I wonder if I did something wrong is me that's the problem." "Starr, it's not your fault! Things happen. I think about our baby every day, I wonder what she would like, if he would play sports. Would she be like you...would he be like you? What their first word have been. I want to give u that family u want, but maybe it's me...maybe I'm the problem is this" "How would u be the problem? I'm the one the baby has to grow inside. I'm the one who has to take care of myself to keep a baby safe and healthy. I want to know what it that little flutter you get in your stomach when the baby moves; I want to feel the jab when the baby kicks. I want to see the look on your face when u see that baby in a sonogram." "And I promise you one day that will all happen." "How can you be so sure? I mean we used to talk about having a family all the time before we got married and how we wanted to start one right away, and like been 4 years! 4 damn years and nothing has happened yet! All I want is a family." Cole took Starr's hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it "I know I want that to."

Starr and Cole arrived home and went upstairs. "Cole, I'm going to take a shower ok?" "Yeah that's fine". Starr walked into the bathroom undressed and got into the shower. She just let the water run over her body. She had her eyes closed but when she opened them she looked down at her flat stomach and wished so much that it wasn't. _**"Most people would think I'm crazy for not wanting this body, but they just don't understand. It's this body that won't let me have the one thing I've always dreamed of."**_** She slowly slid herself down the wall as she sat on bottom of the shower with her back against the wall and her head in her hands as she sobbed. Cole stood outside the door and could hear her cries and it made him feel horrible.**_** "I'm her husband, and she should have the life she wants the family she wants! I should be able to give her that!" **_**He thought in his head has hit the door frame in frustration.**

_**"I'm a failure as a wife."**_****

_**"I'm a failure as a husband."**_


	3. Chapter 3

*FLASHBACK*

"Cole…Cole you home" Starr yelled as she ran through the door."I'm in here Hun" Starr ran into the room and jumped onto Cole's lap as he sat on the couch and kissed him. When they broke apart Cole asked "Not that I'm complaining but what was that for?" "Guess what!" "What?" "I'm pregnant...Cole we're going to have a baby!" "Really? How did u find out?" "I went to the doctor because i haven't been feeling well and I figured I had the flu but she assured me I was pregnant. Cole we're going to be a family! It didn't take long at all! I'm so excited!" "I love you so much!" "I love you to and I can't wait to see our baby!" Starr and Cole kissed passionately and it quickly heated up…Cole could see it wasn't just going to end with the kissing and he pulled away. "Starr, as much I would love to see where this whole thing is going I have the nightshift and have to get to work but I promise as soon as I walk through that door we are going to celebrate our new family" "Ugg fine…I'll see you tonight" "Ok love you." "Love you more"

About a month or so later Starr and Cole were sound asleep in bed when Starr shot up from the bed and screamed in massive pain causing Cole to wake up and see Starr sitting up bent over holding her stomach. "Starr, what's wrong?" "Cole something's wrong! The baby Cole...The baby something's wrong!" Starr moved her hand around on the sheet and it felt wet, when she lifted her hand she saw there was blood all over it. Cole lifted the blacked to find the sheets soaked in Starr's blood and he knew something was wrong. He ran over to Starr's side of the bed picked her up in his arms and ran out the door, down the stairs and to the car as quick as he could. The whole time thinking "I can't lose them! I have t o get her to the hospital" He got her in the passenger seat then he ran over to the driver's side and drove off. Starr was still bent over in pain while she squeezed one of Cole's hands and screamed. It was killing him to see her in so much pain and he was about ready drive some as he put it asshole in front of him who was driving like a 300 year old man. He pulled into the emergency entrance and got Starr out of the car and ran her inside. "Help please, she pregnant! PLEASE HELP!" A nurse ran over with a bed and Cole placed Starr on it and he grabbed her hand and held it. "Cole please help me…it hurts so bad...promise me you won't leave" "I promise you I'm not going anywhere! The doctors are going to make everything ok…ok?" They were about to go through a door when the nurse stopped Cole. "I'm sorry sir you can't go any further" "That's my wife and child…you can't just keep me away from them!" "Sir with you in the room it will only cause more commotion and problems. There is a waiting room around the corner, you can wait there and as soon as we know anything you will be the first one to know." "But I promised her I wouldn't leave her!" "I will be sure to tell her you wanted to be with her." The nurse walked away and Cole went into the bathroom and out some cold water on his face than looked up into the mirror and his shirt has Starr's blood all over the front o it but he had no time to go home and change he needed to stay and be there for Starr a soon as they knew anything. He needed to be the first person to find out.

Cole sat down with his head in hands and tears in his eyes. He didn't understand what was going on. The doctor said everything was fine and that Starr and the baby were in perfect health. He and Starr were the only ones who knew she was pregnant. They didn't want to tell everyone yet they wanted to wait until a time when both families were together. But he didn't know how he was going to tell Starr if she loses the baby and he had no idea what he would tell her family if he loses her. 3 hours later he was still lost in his thoughts when the doctor called him name. "Mr. Thornhart?" "Yes, that me. How's my wife?" "Your wife in fine e got her stable and she should be able to go home in a few hours but she is going to need a lot of rest" "and that about the baby"…the doctor looked at Cole and shook his head. "I'm so sorry Starr was having a miscarriage when you brought her in. We don't know what cause it but by the time anyone knew what was going on it was too late. I'm very sorry for your lose" Cole looked at his feet as more tears fell from his eyes. "Can I go in and see her?" "Sure she is on room 132" "Thanks".

On the walk to the room Cole went over his head as many times as he could how he was going to tell Starr that their baby was gone. "How and I supposed to tell her it's gone. She was so happy to have a family. It's going to break her heart!" By the time Cole finished that thought he was outside the door of Starr's room. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Starr was asleep and all Cole could think was how beautiful and peaceful she looked but yet all he could think about was the look that's going to be on her face when he has to tell her their baby was gone. He walked over to the side of the bed grabbed a chair sat down and held her hand. He sat there and just looked at her. After a few minutes Starr opened her eyes and looked over and seen Cole staring at her. "Cole...Is the baby ok? What happened?" "Hey hey, calm down…Starr um…the baby…the baby…um..." "COLE WHATS WRONG IT THE BABY!" "Starr the babies gone…it was a miscarriage. I'm so sorry" "No no no noooo! The baby is fine! You're lying to me! Why would you like about something like that!" Starr and Cole were both crying by now. "Starr I'm not lying, the babies gone". Starr went to get up and Cole grabbed her and pulled her to him. She resisted at first pushing him away and hitting his cheat saying "No no! It can't be! No!" Eventually she just broke down and cried into Cole's chest. He climbed into the bed next to her and held her as close as possible and cried with her. Eventually Starr cried herself to sleep and Cole stayed on the bed next to her running his fingers through her hair with one hand and rubbing circles on her back with the other. Eventually he fell asleep to. Both falling asleep thinking about the life they lost and not knowing how it would affect them and hurt as much as it did in that moment years later.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This was a really hard chapter for me to write, and did have to use a song or two and read some other fics to get ideas for my last paragraph…so I just wanted to put that out there, and I hope you all like this update there is still A LOT more to come with this story.

**Back to the present**

Starr finished her shower and went back into the bedroom to find Cole sitting in the chair by the window looking out into the night. Starr stops for a second and looks at him and knows exactly what's on his mind. She figured neither of them wanted to talk about what happened earlier that day so she went into the closet to change into her pajamas.

When Starr came out of the closet all ready for bed she sat in the edge of their bed and looked toward Cole, rubs her eyes and says "it's funny how the night can make you blind". Cole turned toward her and saw in her eyes something was wrong with her, he knew exactly what it was from what he heard her say while she was showering so he just let her be. Starr just sat their staring forward trying to think anything but what was in her head. Cole just looked at her and could see she needed him so he walked over to her and sat next to her and rubbed his hand up her arm and tears started to form in her eyes. She did her best to stop them but she had no luck and they flowed down her face. Cole turned his body and took her in his arms and cried to but did his best to not let her see. As soon as Cole took hold of her she started crying hysterically. She wrapped her arms around his lower back has his were wrapped around her shoulders.

After about 15 minutes Starr and Cole calmed down a little and Cole put his finger under Star's chin and made her look at him. "Talk to me, Starr." Starr stood up. "I can't, I just…I don't get how you can love me when I can't give you anything, not a family, not a chance at anything!" "Those things don't matter to me" "don't you dare give me that bull! I know how bad you want a family, Cole we've talked about having a family since high school. We've tried to have this family and I keep doing something wrong, I lost our only child because I couldn't do it! I couldn't, and now I'm going to lose you" "You're going to lose me? Why on earth would you even think that! Nothing and no one is going to ever make me walk away from you. You should know that by now" "I don't know anything anymore, I mean come on Cole. How can you be happy with someone like me, who can't give you the one thing you have always wanted? You should hate me" "Starr-" "No I can't take this anymore, I want you to be happy, and all I'm doing now is hurting both of us, I can't let you love me" Starr said has she walked to the closet. Cole shot up from the bed he was sitting on went to her. He grabbed her hand causing her to turn around and he took her face in his hands and said "You can't let me love you? Try and stop me. You make me happy Starr, you. Without you I wouldn't have a life. The day I met you at that party was the day my life changed…or the better." Starr looked at him as he spoke, tears still in her eyes and when he finished that statement she turned her cheek into this touch and closed her eyes. "I love you Starr Thornhart, and that's never going to change" Starr looked up at Cole and said "m going to bed" and she pulled his hands away from her face and walked over to the bed pulled he covers back and laid down. Cole sighed and did the same thing. He went to put his arm around her but she pushed it away and turned around facing the opposite way. "Please don't push me away Starr" Cole pleaded but Starr didn't move she just shut her eye trying to block her tears and attempting to sleep.

The next morning Cole woke up to find Starr not laying next to him and he got worried. He got out of bed put a tee shirt on and walked out the room. He looked down the hall way and saw Starr in the doorway of the room across the hall, she was standing in the door way of the room that was supposed to be for their baby. Cole walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist and to his surprise she accepted by leaning back into him. Cole looked into the empty white room and got choked up. When he found out that Starr was pregnant the first time he was so excited to redo this room, paint the walls, and fix it up for their child. He never imagined Starr would miscarry it. Cole than put his head down and laid it on top of her head "You ok" he asked her. "No, I'm not ok" she responded blankly. Cole than laid his head on her shoulder and had an idea. "Why don't we take a trip? We can go to the cabin in Maine on the lake. You know we can just forget everything going on here and be by ourselves." "Ok" she said "When do you want to go?" "How about now" he said. Starr turned around very quickly "Now?" "Yeah why not, the sooner the better. Come one lets pack" He grabbed her arm and pulled her into their bedroom, which got a laugh out of Starr, It made him smile. He loved her laugh and it always gave him the chills.

"We there yet?" "Starr for the 40th time, no not yet, but when you ask in about 20 minutes than you'll get the answer you want" Starr let out a little chuckle. "I'm sorry about last night. I was upset and I didn't mean to take it out on you." "Hey, its fine. I still love you" "Well that's good to know, because I love you too" Starr said as she leaned over and kissed his cheek and then neck. "None of that Mrs. Thornhart, not in while I'm driving, but I do like the idea of involving a parked car." "Cole Patrick Thornhart!" she yelled as she swatted her arm at him. "Hey, you started it" "I was just having a little fun, it's been a long drive" "Yeah, so was I" Starr smiled and Cole looked over at her "What?" she questioned. "You're smiling, I love when you smile" "Well since you love it so much, I just may stop" "I'd pay to see that happen".

They arrived at the cabin and unloaded the car. Once they got all their stuff in the house and put away Starr went to sit on the couch while Cole installed the air conditioner. It was a really hot day and that week it was going to be in the low 90s almost every day and with the house being locked up for the beginning of the summer the house was way too hot! Once Cole got it installed in the living room and than one in the bed room, and the hall way upstairs he went and sat on the couch next to Starr. Starr looked over at him and noticed he was sweaty and she was sweating just a little. "How about we go out to lake to cool ourselves off?" Starr asked. Cole looked over at her and responded "Why not." They went upstairs put on their swimsuits, grabbed two towels and went to the end of the very long dock that has kind of a landing at the end with some chairs and stuff on them. Starr laid her towel on the chair and then sat down in it. "I thought you were going to come swimming?" "I'm working on my tan" "Well how about I get the boat (Cole got a boat at the beginning of the summer) in the water and when I get back, you are coming swimming with me. Deal?" Cole said sticking out his picky "Deal" Starr said taking hold of Cole's picky.

Cole got the boat into the water and parked next the dock. "We made a deal" "Well how about we take a ride on the boat?" she proposed. "Fine" Cole said. Starr sat in the back of the boat while Cole drove. He got to a point in the lake and stopped and went and sat next to Starr. "So swim?" "Cole, what are you twelve? You sound like Sam" "well the kid has had an influence on me, every time we come here the kid practically drags me into the water and its fight got both of us to get you or your mom in, which I don't get. You women would father get a sunburn that cool off a little" "Or maybe I just like the view" "Now that's a little creepy, he's your brother." "Oh stop, I'm talking about you" "Well I'm going to cool off" "have fun with that" Starr said as she got up to get something out of her bag at the front of the boat. Cole got an idea. Starr looked over at Cole and saw the look on his face. "Cole don't you dare". Cole stood up and went toward Starr "I swear if you do it will-" Before Starr could finish her statement Cole picked her up and they both wound up in the water. Once they got to the surface Starr splashed him. "I told you I didn't want to go swimming" "But you promised and it's not like you can't swim" "Yeah but this water is deep, and cold" "Well lets warm it up" Cole said and he went to kissed her. When the kiss ended Starr said "Nope, still cold, I'm getting out" "Oh come on I wasn't done yet" Cole said as she swam away. Starr just laughed and acted like she didn't hear him. Starr got back onto the boat with Cole following. "I thought you wanted to swim?" "It's no fun by myself" "Oh poor baby" Cole looked at her and pouted which caused Starr to laugh again "Let me make it up to you" She said as she kissed him.

Things started to heat up quickly, once Cole's mouth traveled to Starr's neck she realized where they were "Cole..." she breathed out "Not here" Cole ignored her and continued his kissing. "Cole someone will see us!" Cole pulled his head back and looked at her "Starr do you see anyone?" "No, but someone could come and what would they think if they heard us?" "Well than we just need to be quiet" "Cole, that's not possible and you know it. Let's just go back to the house and finish what we started" "Fine, but I can't promise you we will get there in one piece" "Oh well than if that doesn't happen, this won't get finished" She said and then gave him a deep drugging kiss, that ended sooner than either one of them wanted it to.

They got to the house and right when they got through the door the kissing started. Starr walked backwards towards the stairs and once they go there Cole picked Starr up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Cole walked up stairs and had to concentrate a lot just to get them to the top. Starr kissing his neck and running her nails over his skin was a very big distraction. Once they got to the top of the stairs Cole hurried to get them to their room, and once he did he laid Starr on the bed. He leaned over and her and slid his hands behind her neck and untied the top of her bikini and then lifted her up slightly to untie the back of it. He pulled it away from her body and kissed the areas he just bared. Starr pulled Cole's head to hers and kissed him with so much love and passion. One she finished the kiss, she rolled them over so she was over him and kissed her way down his chest and once she got to the band of this swim trucks she untied them and slid them down his body. Cole than rolled them back over and removed her bottoms leaving them both bare. They kissed once more and Cole pulled back and watched Starr as he entered her body and then kissed again and began to make love to her. As they made love Cole moved his lips from Starr's lips down her face and to her neck and shoulders. Starr closed her eyes and kissed his shoulder closest to her and ran her hands up and down his back. They climaxed together, holding onto each other. Cole than laid down next to Starr and kissed her temple. Cole rolled onto her side giving Cole a kiss "I love you so much" she said softly. "I love _you _so much" he said. Starr laid her head on his chest and they both drifted off into a very peaceful sleep, unlike either of them had the night before.


End file.
